There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
Where is God?
A married couple had two boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
When the boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, she asked if he would speak to her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. The next morning, the mother sent her 8-year-old to see the clergyman. The older boy was scheduled to see him in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response. The clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Sitting there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open, the boy again made no attempt to answer.
The clergyman decided to raise his voice even more. Shaking his finger menacingly in the boy’s face, he bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him cowering in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The boy, still gasping for breath, replied, “We’re in BIG trouble this time. God is missing. And they think WE did it!”
******
How to be Politically Correct with Women
She is not a “Bleached Blonde” – She is “Peroxide Dependent.”
She is not a “Bad Cook” – She is “Microwave Compatible.”
She does not wear “Too Much Jewelry” – She is “Metallically Overburdened.”
She is not “Conceited” – She Is “Intimately Aware of Her Best Qualities.”
She is not “Too Skinny” – “She is Skeletally Prominent.”
She is not an “Air Head” – She is “Reality Impaired.”
She does not get “Chubby” – She achieves “Maximum Density.”
She does not “Wear Too Much Makeup” – She has reached “Cosmetic Saturation.”
She does not “Nag You” – She becomes “Verbally Repetitive.”
******
The Paper Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one night when he found the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO. “This is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive, eager to be perceived as helpful. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent! Excellent!” said the CEO. “I just need one copy.”
******
Utterly Depressing
A man suffering from severe depression went to a doctor. “Doc,” he said, “I feel terribly depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. There is no laughter in my life. I feel totally alone.
The doctor, who was busy reading his notes, said to the man. “The treatment for you is very simple. You need a change of scenery—something light and hilarious. The great comedian, Johnny Smith, is in town this week. I want you to go see one of his shows. That should cure you of your depression.”
On hearing this advice the man broke into uncontrollable sobs.
“You don’t understand, doc,” he replied, “I am Johnny Smith.”
******
Announcements from the Pulpit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”
******
A Lesson in Ethics
“So, Jimmy,” said Grandpa, as he and Jimmy stood in line at the local grocery store. “What did you learn in school today?”
“To tell you the truth,” answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure. My teacher was going on and on about something called ‘ethics,’ and I still don’t know what she was talking about.”
“Ah, ethics” replied Grandpa. “Very important indeed. Here’s a good example.”
“Let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change. Ethics would be whether I keep all the change for myself, or give part of it to Grandma.”
******
Children’s Answers to Exam Questions
1. “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
2. “The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
3. “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
4. “H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water
5. “The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
6. “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and that’s why they look like umbrellas.”
******
The Shortcut
Late one night, Eddie took a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across the cemetery, he was startled by a tapping noise coming from the shadows.
Trembling with fear, he spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“Oh gosh,” said the relieved teen, “I thought you were a ghost. Why are you working so late?”
“Stupid idiots,” grumbled the old man. “They misspelled my name.”
******
Wrong Number
A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for treatment.
The on-duty nurse asked, “What happened to your ears?”
The man answered, “I was ironing a shirt this morning when the phone rang. I grabbed the iron by mistake.”
The nurse replied, “What happened to your other ear?”
“They called back,” said the man.
******
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
(The humor of the following is best appreciated when read aloud)
There was an important job to be done.
Everybody was asked to do it.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Because Nobody asked Anybody whose job is it.
Although Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have told you what Everybody knew—
Nobody was willing to follow through on the job that
Everybody was supposed to do.
As a result Everybody blamed Somebody
When Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
