There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
******
The Atheist in the Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
“How beautiful the animals are!”
“How majestic the trees are!”
“How powerful the rivers are!”
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an eight-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running. The next time he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was even closer. At that point he tripped and fell to the ground. The bear was nearly on top of him, his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, “God help me!”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, “You’ve denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don’t exist. You’ve even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?”
The atheist looked into the light and said, “Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask you to treat me as a believer now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a believer?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty, Amen.”
******
How Enlightened Are You?
IF….
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can be understanding when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
******
Two Words
A prince put a curse on a man. The man could only speak two words every year. However, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak four words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say, “My Princess.”
The next year he saw her he wanted to say, “My princess, I love you.”
The third year he saw her he wanted to say, “My princess I love you, will you marry me?” But, the young prince, though now growing older, knew he would have to wait a few more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and said, “JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
*****
TOO MUCH COFFEE
You are drinking too much coffee when:
You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation”
******
Wrong Answer
A lawyer and a young woman were sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leaned over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The young woman wanted to take a nap, so she politely declined and turned toward the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persisted and explained that the game was easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declined and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, said, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.” He was convinced that, given his intelligence, he would easily win the match. The $500 caught the young woman’s attention and, thinking that there will be no end to this torment unless she played, agreed to the game.
The lawyer asked the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The young woman didn’t say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then, it was her turn.
She asked the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looked at her with a puzzled expression. He took out his laptop and searched all his references, the internet, and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sent e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. After more than an hour, he awakened the young woman and handed her $500. Politely, she took the $500 and turned away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, woke her again and asked, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the woman reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep!
******
Ever Wonder …
Why you never see the headline,
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why there isn’t mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
*****
Inner Peace
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Ben Show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Ben proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I had started but hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreo’s, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
Dr. Ben was right. You have no idea how good I feel right now!
******
No Dogs Allowed
Two men were walking their dogs together. The first man had a Labrador Retriever and the second, a Chihuahua
The first man said, “Hey, you want to get something to eat?”
The second man replied, “Yeah, but all the restaurants have signs that say, ‘No Dogs Allowed’.”
The first man with the Labrador Retriever put sunglasses on and handed the other man a pair. “Follow my lead,” he said.
As he walked into the restaurant a waiter stopped him and said, “Sir, no dogs allowed.”
The man replied, “This is my seeing eye dog.” The waiter apologized and led the man to a table. Just then,
the second man entered.
The same waiter stopped him. The man said, “This is my seeing eye dog. I’m with the other guy.”
The waiter replied, “Sir, you can’t fool me, you have a Chihuahua.”
The man, feigning surprise, exclaimed, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!!”
******
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through quite a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ ”
“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test has only three questions. Here they are.”
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?
“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and tomorrow.”
St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I will give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”
St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”
“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”
“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song: “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Run, Forest, Run!”
