There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. – Paramhansa Yogananda.
Last Wishes
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we also talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her, “Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I’d much rather die.”
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration … and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the cable, the dish, the DVD, the computer, the cell phone, the iPod, and the Xbox. Then she went to the bar and threw away all my whiskey, rum, gin, vodka, and the beer in the fridge.
I ALMOST DIED!!
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Moses and the Parting of the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Jimmy was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses on a mission to rescue the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, Moses had them build a pontoon bridge so they could walk safely across, and they were saved. Then he called in his engineers to sink the pontoons and the Pharaoh drowned.
“Now, Jimmy, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
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“Satan Stuff”
(Told by Anandi Cornell)
Two youngsters were on their way to Sunday school when one said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad, too.”
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“I Can Remember That!”
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to the doctor to make sure they were okay.
After a thorough examination, the doctor said they were both fine, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and went home.
Later that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
Her husband said, “Sure.”
His wife then said, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
“No,” he said, “I can easily remember that.”
“Well,” said his wife, “I would also like some strawberries on top and some whipped cream. I think you had better write it all down because I know you’ll forget.”
With irritation in his voice, her husband said, “I don’t need to write it down. I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later he returned and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs.
After staring at the plate for a moment, his wife said, “You forgot my toast.”
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Sunday Sermon
A somewhat long-winded preacher, giving a sermon one Sunday, noticed two teenage girls giggling and disturbing others in the back of the church.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly in a loud voice, “There are certain people here who have not heard a word I’ve said this morning.” He then resumed his sermon where he had left off.
After the service, three adults apologized for falling asleep.
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Wrong Message
A businessman left for a vacation in Florida. His wife, away on a business trip, planned to fly down and meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he emailed his wife to let her know that he had arrived safely, but he mis-typed her email address.
His email message went to a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow read the email, she collapsed onto the floor.
The woman’s daughter rushed into the room to see what had happened and found the following email message on the computer screen:
“My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!”
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Free Will?
After delaying for some years, a young man finally decided to get married. He and his fiancée went to the local church to sign some pre-wedding papers. While filling out the forms, the man happened to read aloud the last question: “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”
Hesitating for a moment, he looked at his fiancée. Emphatically she said, “Put down ‘yes!’”
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The Bowl of Soup
A man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. A few minutes after the soup arrived, he called to the waiter and said, “Waiter, come, taste this soup.”
Perplexed, the waiter asked, “Is there something wrong with the soup?”
The man said, “Waiter, just taste the soup.”
The waiter replied, “Is there something wrong with the soup? Is it too hot? Is it too cold?”
Irritated, the man said, “Will you just taste the soup?”
The waiter said, “All right. I’ll taste the soup. Where is the spoon?”
The man said, “Ah-ha!!!!”
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The Seven Commandments
When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said. “Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.
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