There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. –Paramhansa Yogananda
Police Blotter
Suspicious person: Officer made contact with a man walking backward down a street. When asked, the man told the officer he did not want anyone sneaking up on him.
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Honest Abe
An investment banker decided she needed in-house counsel, so she interviewed a young lawyer.
“Mr. Peterson,” she asked, “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replied Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”
“Impressive,” said the investment banker. “And what sort of case was that?”
“Dad sued me for the money.”
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Feline Delusion
A man went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, I keep having this feeling that I’m a cat.”
The psychiatrist said, “Well, how long has this been going on?”
The man replied, “Since I was a kitten.”
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The Tate Family
In our church, we have a large family, the Tate family. These are the members of the Tate family who serve in our church:
Dick Tate always wants things done his way. Hesi Tate will often wait to make church decisions. Facili Tate will do anything for anyone in need. Medi Tate often thinks over things before starting a church project. Vegi Tate is healthy but never gets anything done. Agi Tate mostly stirs up trouble. Ampu Tate is the black sheep and cut herself off from the church family years ago. Ira Tate doesn’t know how to get along with most of the people in our church.
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How a Student Obtained 0% on an Exam
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer: His last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer: Liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: Marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch & Dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Answer: It will simply become wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer: No problem. He sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
Answer: Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Drafted
I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone.
During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”
“What letters?” I answered slyly.
“Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”
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Flight Training
As an amateur pilot wannabe, I knew I’d finally made progress with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said, “You know, you’re not as much fun since you stopped screaming.”
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A Reasonable Question?
The wife of a certain pedantic philosopher asked him to go out and buy her a bottle of oil. He was returning, later, with the bottle when he began to muse, “Now, is the oil really in the bottle? Or do my senses deceive me? Could it be, rather, that the bottle is in the oil?”
His wife met him at the door and demanded, “Where is the oil?”
“My wife,” the philosopher declared grandly, “I have just made an important discovery!”
“Where is the oil?” she repeated.
“I am coming to that,” he assured her. “Listen: I purchased the oil. Then, looking at it, I thought, “Yes, this is oil, and it appears to be inside the bottle. My apperceptive perception, however, doubts whether the oil really is in the bottle, or whether the bottle might not, possibly, be inside the oil.”
“Where is the oil?” demanded his wife.
“Yes, yes, I’m just coming to that,” he assured her hastily. “So then I upturned the bottle. And now, I think that maybe the oil was in the bottle!”
“You fool!” cried his wife. Picking up a broom, she beat him over his “apperceptively perceptive” head with it.
“Now I know,’ the philosopher concluded in triumph, “that the oil was in the bottle!”
