There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
Rest in Peace
A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, ‘Now, you have everything.'”
******
Trial by Jury
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”
******
Deficit Financing
A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge.
His defense lawyer, knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge, asking, “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd ….”
******
Enlightened Management
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or other input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
— Management
******
Life after Death
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes Sir,” the new recruit replied.
“Well then that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on.
“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see how you were doing.”
******
Fifteen Things To Do in an Elevator
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap him or her on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers,
“This is MY personal space!”
******
“The End is Near!”
A pastor and a deacon were putting up a hand-painted sign by the side of the road.
The sign said, “The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late.”
A car pulled up to the curb. The driver, shaking his fist at them, shouted out,
“Leave us alone, you religious fanatics!” He continued on around the bend.
Moments later the pastor and the deacon heard the screech of tires followed by a tremendous splash.
The pastor turned to the deacon and said, “Do you think our sign should have just said, ‘Bridge Out Ahead?’ ”
******
Rookie Mistake
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
They came to an intersection and noticed a crowd gathering on a street corner.
Anxious to prove himself, the rookie pulled out his bullhorn and shouted,
“OK people, let’s move on. Nothing to see here!”
Reluctantly people began to disperse, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proudly he turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
“Oh great.” replied the veteran. “That was a bus stop,”
******
Engine Trouble
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane suddenly shuddered. One of the engines just blew up!
Passengers came running to see what happened, when suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast. Another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in such a panic that even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.
Just then the pilot, smiling confidently, strode out from the cockpit and assured everyone that everything was OK. There was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better. They sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
He grabbed several packages from under the seats and handed them to the flight attendants, who attached the packages to their backs.
“Say,” said an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?” “Oh yes,” the pilot confirmed.
“I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” said the passenger, somewhat concerned.
“There isn’t,” the pilot replied, “we’re going to get help.”
