Humor: A Smile a Day

There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda

One Glass, Two Straws

Two eight year olds, Billy and Bobby, stopped at a juice bar on their way home from school. Since they only had enough money for one smoothie, they agreed to share it and asked for two straws. Each of them would get half of the smoothie.

Billy, who went first, drank the entire smoothie and then handed Bobby the glass.

Bobby was incredulous. “You drank the whole thing,” he said, staring at the empty glass. “Boy, you’re going to get it now!”

“I couldn’t help it,” said Billy in desperation. “My half was on the bottom.”

******

Two Doilies

A man and a woman had been married for over 50 years and had a happy marriage. They discussed everything except one subject. The old woman had a shoe box in her closet, and she cautioned her husband never to open it or even to ask her about it.

Her husband complied with his wife’s request until she became ill. After the doctor said she would never recover, her husband, trying to sort out her affairs, took the shoe box from the closet shelf and carried it to his wife’s bedside. His wife agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box.

When her husband opened it, he found two beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

“When we were married,” she said, “my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She said that if I ever got angry with you, I should simply keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had been angry with him only two times in all those years together. His heart was almost bursting with joy.

“Sweetheart,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all this money?

“Oh that,” she replied. “That’s the money I made from selling all the other doilies.”

******

Missing Towel

When her child’s towel was stolen during a high school swim meet, an irate parent demanded of the teacher, “What kind of juvenile delinquents do you have in your class if someone could steal my son’s towel?”

“I’m sure it was taken by mistake,” said the teacher, apologetically. “What does the towel look like?”

“It’s white,” replied the mother, “and it has ‘Holiday Inn’ written on it.”

******

Front Row, Please

An elderly woman walked into a local country church. The usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor tends to be a bit boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered. “It’s probably better that way.”

******

His Favorite Cake

An elderly man who was near death was stretched out on his bed. Suddenly, he smelled the aroma of a delicious cake wafting up to his bedroom from the kitchen below. It was his favorite cake!

With great effort he struggled out of bed and made his way down the stairs. When he reached the kitchen door, he looked in and saw little cupcakes arranged neatly on the kitchen counter. Avidly, he reached out a hand to take one, but just then his wife appeared and grabbed his wrist.

“No, you don’t!” she exclaimed. “Those are for the funeral!”

******

Two Job Applications

Two young men with equal qualifications applied for the same job. In order to determine which man to hire, the manager gave them a written test.

Both men scored nine out of ten on the test. Nonetheless, the manager decided to hire the first applicant.

“Why would you do that?” asked the rejected applicant. “We both got nine questions correct.”

“Your fellow applicant wrote ‘I don’t know’ for question five,” the manager explained. “You wrote, ‘Neither do I.'”

******

Thou Shalt Not Lie

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys, all of them between ten and twelve years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned that they might be hurting the dog, the minister went over and asked, “What are you doing to that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all would like to keep him, but only one of us can take him home. We’ve decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

The reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest about telling lies!” he exclaimed.

He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” Ending with what he considered his strongest argument, he solemnly pronounced, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy sighed loudly and then said, “OK, you can have the dog.”

******

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline.

He was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

“Great!” said the frog, “Where will I meet her?”

“Next semester in her biology class,” came the answer.

******

The Hazards of Caffeine

You know you’ve had too much coffee when:

1. You can jump-start your car without cables.

2. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

3. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.

4. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

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Skip It

A woman was terribly overweight and her doctor decided to put her on a diet.

The doctor instructed, “I want you to eat your regular meals for two days, then skip for a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.” He then assured her, “The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.”

When the woman returned, the doctor was shocked. She had lost nearly twenty pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The woman nodded and said, “Yes, but by the third day I thought I was going to drop dead from exhaustion.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping! All that skipping really wore me out.”

******

One-Liners

Boss to his employee: “Get back in your cubicle and start thinking outside the box!”

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.