There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
Four Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
1. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
3. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. A Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
******
Advertisements That Actually Appeared in Newspapers
1. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
3. Our experienced Mom will take care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once. You’ll never go anywhere again.
5. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
6. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
******
Thank God!
A man got lost in the wilds of South Africa and eventually came upon the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawled up to the house and collapsed on the doorstep. The missionary took him in and nursed him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asked the missionary for directions to the nearest town. Having no means of transportation, he asked the missionary if he could borrow his horse.
The missionary agreed. However he added, “This is a very special horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man says, “OK.”
So the man got on the horse and said, “Thank God” and the horse started walking.
But wanting to get to town faster, he said, “Thank God! Thank God! Thank God! Thank God!” and the horse took off.
Galloping at full speed, they came to a cliff but the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop. He pulls back on the reins but nothing works. He says, “Whoa! Stop! Hold on!!!”
Suddenly he remembers, “Amen!!”
The horse stops four inches from the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God!”
******
Police Exam
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”
******
Is It Your Dad?
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know what Santa Claus turned out to be. It’s probably just your Dad.”
******
Things Proven to Change the Course of Thanksgiving Dinner
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”
2. When everyone around the table says what they are thankful for, say,”I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.
******
Where Should We Eat?
A group of 40-year-olds were discussing where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters and waitresses were good-looking and had buff bodies.
Ten years later, at age 50, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was really good and there was a great selection of wines.
Twenty years later, at age 70, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Thirty years later, at age 100, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.
******
