There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
No Frills Airline
1. You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
7. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
Cat for Sale
An art collector was walking through town when he noticed a stray cat lapping milk from an old, antique saucer in the doorway of a store. Casually he walked into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replied, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”
The collector said, “Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”
“OK!” said the store owner, “in that case, I’ll sell you the cat.”
The collector then asked, “Could you also throw in that old saucer? It’ll save me from having to buy a dish.”
“Sorry,” the store owner replied, “that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”
The Garden Plot
An old man who had been living alone in the country for many years wanted to plant his tomato garden, but he had become too old to dig the soil. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. So the old man decided to write him a letter to see if he had any ideas as to what he might do.
A few days later he received an urgent note from his son which said:
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
At 4:00 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.”
The Job Interview
At the end of the job interview, the head of human resources asked the newly graduated engineer: “What type of starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer, deciding to go for it, said, “Well, Sir, I was thinking of around $125,000, depending on the benefits package.”
“OK,” said the HR director, “How about five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a Porsche for your company car? That sounds good doesn’t it?”
The engineer gasps and said, “Wow! You must be kidding.”
“Yeah,” he replied, “But you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for medical advice.
Finally, the doctor turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“Oh, I give them advice,” replied the lawyer, “but then I send them a bill in the morning.”
For the remainder of the evening the doctor meticulously wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who asked him for advice.
The next morning he received a bill from the lawyer.
The Castle Tour
On a tour of an English medieval castle, a young American woman was becoming more and more nervous and fearful of seeing a ghost.
The tour guide, trying to reassure her said, “Don’t worry, in all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never seen a ghost.”
“How long is that,” she asked.
“About 400 years.”
A Day Off
Beth woke up one morning and decided to spend the day in bed rather than go to school.
Her mother, a bit surprised, inquired sympathetically, “Beth, are you not feeling well?”
“Mom, I feel fine. It’s just that I don’t want to go to school today.”
“Why not,” she asked
“Well, the kids make fun of me, the teachers hate me and, besides, I have too much work to do.”
“But, dear, that’s no reason not to go to school.”
“Can you give me one good reason why I should go to school?”
“Yes, you’re the principal.”
The Burglar Alarm
When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, Mrs. Smith decided that she needed to be more safety-conscious. But she didn’t feel that the front-door lock was adequate to stop someone really intent on breaking in.
So she hung a sign outside the door that read:
“Nancy, don’t come in! There’s a large snake loose somewhere inside the house. Mom.”
A woman walked into an animal shelter to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
Before picking up the kittens, the attendant asked, “Is the mother cat friendly?”
“Oh, yes!” said the woman. “That’s how this happened in the first place.”
A month after a student from Scotland enrolled in a leading Ivy League college, his mother called to ask how he was doing.
“Oh,” he replied, “America is a wonderful country. But the students here are so noisy. One of them bangs the wall endlessly, while another shouts all night.”
“How do you put up with it?” she inquired.
“Well, I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.”