There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. –Paramhansa Yogananda.

A Smooth Solution

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grandiose ideas, while the husband wanted to keep costs  to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

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Smile for the Camera

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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A Sermon about Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. He then proceeded with his sermon.

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A Timely Message

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

“Hi,” a voice said. “This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house.”

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Relativity

A few weeks after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. “You know, Scott,” I said, “when we die, we’ll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven.”

With tears spilling down his face, Scott cried, “That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have that long!

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Good Manners
(Told by Swami Kriyananda)

A three-year-old girl was sent to stay the night with a friend of hers, also three years old. Before she left, her mother told her, “Now remember to be polite at the table.” While having dinner at her friend’s house, the little girl was asked by her friend’s mother, “Do you like spinach?” Remembering to be polite at the table, the little girl said, “Oh I love spinach.” And so she heaped her plate high with spinach.

After the meal, her friend’s mother saw that she hadn’t eaten any spinach. She said, “I thought you liked spinach?” The little girl replied, “Oh I do, but not enough to eat it.”

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Doing a Good Deed

Although John had arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter explained that he had to meet certain criteria to get in.

For instance, did he attend church? No.

Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor? No.

Did he do any good deeds? Anything? No.

St. Peter, becoming concerned, said, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help you. Now think!”

John said, “Wait, now I remember. There was this elderly woman coming out of a grocery store who found her surrounded by a dozen guys who were part of a motorcycle gang. They had taken her purse and were taunting her. I got so mad that I fought through the crowd and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet and went up to the biggest, meanest biker in the group and told him how despicable and cowardly he was.”

“Very impressive,” said St. Peter, “When did this happen?”

“About 10 minutes ago,” replied John.

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Taxi Driver in Heaven

A preacher and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was waiting for them at the Pearly Gates. He looked them over for a moment then took the taxi driver to his new home in heaven—a lavish mansion fully equipped with butlers and servants and anything else you could possibly imagine.

Then Peter led the preacher to his new home— a rustic old shack out in the woods with a bunk bed and an old black & white TV set.

“Wait,” said the preacher. “There must be a mistake. Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I’ve worked for Jesus all my life, but he didn’t”

“Yes, that’s true,” Peter responded, “but during your sermons people tended to fall asleep. But when the taxi driver drove his cab, everyone prayed.”

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