Who Reads Newspapers?
–The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
–The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
–The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
–USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.
–The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
–The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
–The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
–The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
–The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
–The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
A Pile of Bones
One day a beagle got loose in India. It was wandering around in the jungle when suddenly it realized it was being stalked by a tiger.
The beagle thought, “Oh, boy! I’m in trouble now!”
Noticing a pile of bones on the ground, he sat down with his back to the tiger and started gnawing on the bones.
Just as the tiger is about to leap, the beagle exclaimed loudly, “I think this is one of the best tigers I’ve eaten lately.”
Hearing this, the tiger halted his attack in midair and slunk off into the jungle.
In the meantime, a monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree saw his opportunity to get in good with the tiger. The monkey caught up with the tiger and told him what had happened. Now the tiger is not only hungry but furious at being made a fool of.
The tiger said to the monkey, “Hop on my back and see what happens to that conniving canine!”
As they approach, the beagle, realizing what’s going on, sat down with his back to the tiger and started gnawing at the pile of bones.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle said, “I don’t know what could possibly have happened. It’s been at least an hour since I sent that monkey off to bring me another tiger.”
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
“Yes,” he replied.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, “What did you teach?
Walk a Mile
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
(Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their cat’s hygiene.)
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
A young lady was interested in joining a very strict monastic order. The rule there was complete silence.
They could only say two words a year and those two words had to be spoken to the Mother Superior.
After the first year of her novitiate, the young nun said, “Hard bed.”
The Mother Superior said, “Yes, my daughter, I know. But we feel that it’s important that the body suffer a little so we can live for God.”
The second year goes by and the young nun said, “Bad food.”
Again the Mother Superior gives an explanation for the food being bad.
After the third year the nun came and said, “Want out!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” says the Mother Superior, it’s been nothing but complain, complain, complain since you’ve been here.”
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of his workday stress. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to ask him why was fishing instead of working hard to make a living for his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” he said to the fisherman. “You should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman and replied, “And what would be my reward?”
“Well, by working hard you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” said the businessman.
“In fact if you were really ambitious, you could build up a fleet of fishing boats and become so rich that you’ll never have to work again.”
“Then what,” replied the fisherman?
“Well,” said the businessman. “You could spend the rest of your life sitting on this beach without a care in the world!”
The fisherman laughed and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
Give It Away!
Deeply moved by the church service that day, the richest man in town stood and addressed the congregation.
“I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said.
“I went to a church meeting that night and the speaker told us about his missionary work. I had only a single dollar bill in my pocket and I had to decide whether to give it to his worthy cause or keep it for myself.
So I gave him all the money I had. I believe God blessed that decision and that’s why I’m a millionaire today.”
As he sat down, a woman shouted, “I dare you to do it again!”
Deep Thoughts from Children
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Melissa, age 12
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND DURING TRIAL
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER TEN YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MAN