There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
Actual News Headlines
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Patient at Death’s Door–Doctors Pull Him Through
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Lack of Brains Hinders Research
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
Lawyer Says Client Is Not that Guilty.
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After Giving a Sermon
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven-year-old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.
As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff.
Walking through the plant, he noticed a young man leaning against a post.
Just how much are you being paid?” said the owner.
“Three hundred bucks a week,” replied the young man.
Taking a wad of bills out of his pocket, the owner slapped $300 into the boy’s hand
and said, “Here’s a week’s pay, now get out of here and don’t come back!”
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said, “How long has that kid been here anyway?”
“He doesn’t work here” said the supervisor. “He was delivering pizza!”
A Visit to the Barber
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!'”
In Your Dreams
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled, The Meaning of Dreams.
Actual Science Tests Answers
1. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
2. Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
3. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
5. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
6. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
7. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
8. The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – A, E, I, O, and U.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food?