There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda
A Simple Operation
“Why did you run out of the operating room?” a hospital administrator asked a nervous patient.
“The patient replied, “Because the nurse said, ‘Don’t be so jittery, an appendectomy is a simple operation.”
“So?” said the administrator.
“She was talking to the doctor!” the patient explained.
No Rest for the Weary
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet to get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.” The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”
What Marks the Spot?
Harry and Larry rented a rowboat for a day of fishing on the lake.
Harry: “Boy, we’re doing great! Let’s mark the spot so we can come back here again.”
Larry: “I already did. See this “X” I drew on the bottom of the boat?”
Harry: “You idiot! What if we don’t get this boat tomorrow?”
From Genesis to Revelations
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The backhoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening. I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelations.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”
Katie: “My neighbors are impossible! They must’ve had a fight last night — they were banging on the walls until three in the morning.”
Tim: “I guess it kept you awake?”
Katie: “I was up late anyway practicing my trombone!”
Flight Attendant Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are a few real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
2. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
3. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
4. A flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
Farmer: “Say, you’re a might brave guy to come down in a parachute in the middle of a hurricane.”
Stranger: “I didn’t come down in a parachute! I went up in a tent!”
To Sue or Not to Sue?
A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued….and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”
After the man cashed the check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. Using the man’s own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Albert had just read a book on ice fishing, and was eager to try it. He followed the book’s instructions carefully and had just finished cutting a hole in the ice when a voice out of nowhere boomed, “There are no fish here!”
“God, is that you?” asked Albert, his voice trembling.
“No,” boomed the answer. “It’s the rink manager!”