There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. Paramhansa Yogananda.
The Gutenberg Bible
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance of his who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible. He mentioned that he saw the name Guten-somebody-or-other inscribed on one of the pages.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“Don’t you know that you’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. It’s worth at least a half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think it would have been worth that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”
Who Destroyed the Walls of Jericho?
A minister who was responsible for religious education in a certain school decided to visit the classes one day, to check out the education level. He asked the students, “Please tell me, who destroyed the walls of Jericho?”
One of the students stood up and said, ” I don’t know who did it but it wasn’t me, Sir!”
The minister, thinking the students were making fun of him, turned to the teacher and asked, “Is this the way students here normally behave?”
Puzzled, the teacher replied, “I believe this student is very honest and wouldn’t do such a thing.”
Dismayed, the minister went to his assistant and explained to him what had happened. The assistant replied, “I know this student and his teacher very well, and I am absolutely sure none of them is guilty of destroying that wall.”
When the minister heard this, he made a formal complaint to the Religious Education Commission. They replied:
“Dear Sir, let us not make a big issue out of this. We will be happy to pay for the damaged walls. We can write it off as current school year repair. Our insurance will cover whatever losses we incur.”
Our six-year-old daughter seemed to have a need to ask lots of questions.
One day my wife said her in exasperation, “Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?”
“No,” replied our daughter.
“Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!”
Our daughter was intrigued: “What was in the hole?”
The Evils of Alcohol
A certain minister one Sunday morning was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then, finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
At the end of the sermon, the choir master stood up and announced with a slight smile, “Let us close with hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River?”
The Lincoln Memorial
When my eight-year-old nephew came to visit me in Washington DC, I took a day off from my job and showed him the Lincoln Memorial. There etched into the monument is a large block of text 273 words long. He asked, “What’s that?”
“That’s Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address,” I said.
“If that’s his address, how does he get any mail?”
A painter, high up on a scaffold inside an enormous, empty cathedral, spotted an elderly woman below in fervent prayer. He decided to have some fun. In a deep eerie voice that echoed throughout the church he said, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”
The old woman, seemingly taking no notice, kept on praying silently to herself. The painter, disappointed that there was no reaction, tried again. In a louder voice he said, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”
Still no reaction. This time he shouted out, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”
Without looking up, she responded sharply, “I’m talking to your Father!”
With great pride, a father was listening to his little 5-year-old say his bedtime prayers one night. The child began his prayer, “Dear Harold.”
Surprised, the father interrupted him and said, “Wait a minute, Jimmy, how come you called God “Harold?”
The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church, when we pray: “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name.”
Jonah and the Teacher
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “I’m not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
Smugly the teacher replied, “What if Jonah isn’t in heaven?”
The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”