There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. ~Paramhansa Yogananda.
The Driver’s License
A young man came home and said: “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”
His father replied: “OK son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”
Several months later the young man came home with his report card and said, “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room clean, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”
His father replied: “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”
The son said: “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”
The father replied: “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right, and he walked everywhere he went!”
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Saying Grace
A four-year-old boy was asked to say grace before dinner, one night. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
The boy began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for mommy, daddy, brother and sister and all his family. Then he began to thank God for the food.
After a long pause, he looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”
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Voice Mail
Have you wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying to God and you heard this:
“Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:
–Press 1 for Requests
–Press 2 for Thanksgiving
–Press 3 for Complaints
–Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.”
What if God used the familiar excuse:
“I’m sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other saints right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line.” If you would like to speak to:
–Gabriel, Press 1
–Michael, Press 2
–For a directory of other angels, Press 3
–If you’d like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4.
–To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 777.)
–For reservations at “My Father’s House,” please enter J-O-H-N, followed by 3-1-6.
–For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
–Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow so that others may have a chance to get through.
–This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
— Please pray again Monday after 9:30 am. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.
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Can It Swim?
(From Swami Kriyananda)
I once heard a story about a man who went out duck hunting on a lake. As he shot his first duck, his dog jumped out of the boat to fetch it. But instead of swimming, the dog ran across the water.
The man couldn’t believe his eyes. When his dog ran out to fetch a second duck, the man decided that perhaps his beer had been somehow “enriched.”
The next day he took along a witness. Again, as he shot his first duck, his dog jumped out of the boat to fetch it. Again it ran across the water. The man looked at his friend to catch his reaction. There was none.
“Am I losing my mind?” wondered the hunter. He shot a second duck, and again his dog ran out to fetch it. This time, too, his friend took in the scene with no sign of interest.
“D-d-did you see what my dog just did?” asked the hunter, anxiously.
“I saw,” replied his friend. “The stupid thing can’t swim.”
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An Important Question
(From Nayaswami Bharat)
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed one of the little boys of the congregation staring up at a large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, when the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning pastor,” replied the boy still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, Pastor McGhee and Alex stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?”
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It’s Turtles All the Way Down!”
(From Nayaswami Jyotish)
In the early years of the twentieth century, the scientist, William James, often lectured on astronomy and the nature of the universe. He explained how the cosmic gases condensed into stars and planets, how the planets revolved around the sun, and that our planet, Earth, revolved around the sun.
After one of his lectures a little old lady came up and said, “Mr. James, you shouldn’t talk all that nonsense about the planets and the earth revolving the sun.“
He said, “Well, what do you mean?” “Well, don’t you know, you fool! The earth is just dirt on the back of a giant turtle!”
And Mr. James said, “Well, if the earth is just dirt on the back of a giant turtle, what’s the turtle standing on?”
She replied, “Well, you fool! That’s turtle’s standing on a bigger turtle!”
And Mr. James said, “Well, yes, but what’s that bigger—“
And she cut him off and said:
“Don’t bother, Mr. James! It’s turtles all the way down!”
