There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda

It’s Elementary

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retired for the night and went to sleep.

Around 3AM, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see countless millions of stars,” replied Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

“Well,” said Watson, “it tells me there are millions of galaxies out there. I suspect we’ll have a beautiful day tomorrow. I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

“Watson, it tells me that someone stole our tent!”

******

The Safe Driving Award

A man was driving along the freeway when a policeman suddenly pulled him over. The man rolled down his window and said, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all, Sir. I was just observing your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $1,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What are you going to do with the money?”

He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get a drivers license and some auto insurance.”

His wife sitting next to him said, “Oh, don’t mind him, officer, he’s always like that when he’s had one too many.”

The guy in the back seat piped up, “I told you we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?

******

Success Takes Perseverance

Halfway through a losing season, a high school basketball coach was trying to keep his team motivated.

After a lackluster practice, he stood up before his team and shouted, “Did Michael Jordan ever quit?”

The team responded, “No!”

“What about the Wright Brothers?” he yelled, “did they ever give up?”

“No!” the team hollered back.

“Did Muhammed Ali ever quit?”

Again the team yelled back, “No!”

“And what about Sid Bickerman? Did he ever quit?”

After a brief pause, the players responded, “We never heard of him.”

“Of course, you never heard of him,” the coach snapped back, “He quit!”

******

The Bible as Investment Counselor

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and was now very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful friend said, “How has everything been going with you?”

The friend without much ambition replied. ”Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and the word was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and the word was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

******

Making a Good Impression

Bob, a lawyer, had just moved into his new office when he heard a knock at the door.

Wanting to make a good impression, he yelled, “Come in!” and immediately picked up
the phone, pretending to be talking to someone important.

A few minutes later Bob hung up and asked, “Well, what can I do for you?”

“Not much,” replied the visitor, “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

******

Five Card Stud

A man went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing cards with his dog.

Watching the game in amazement he said, “I can hardly believe my eyes.” That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”

******

To Pass the Time

Five things to do at the local Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.

2. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

3. Put M&M’s on layaway.

4. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

5. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

******

One Comment

  1. I love these jokes! There isn’t enough laughter in the world and it really is great medicine! Thank you!

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