“…and I will enter, and take charge of your life.” These words, taken from the Purification Ceremony, can be liberating to our souls, but extremely threatening to our egos. Let’s face it – opening our heart to anyone, let alone ourselves, can be a very risky business.
In my Junior year at college, I was confused as to my future as a cellist, and my sage professor encouraged me to look into my heart to see where it would lead. What?! Are you kidding? Open up that confused closet of subconscious desires, hurts, and hidden obsessions? Wasn’t it wiser to just let the decaying matter rot in peace? So what if I was carrying around psychological baggage that kept me from true happiness? At least I didn’t have to face the horrid fear of the presumed fact that the “true me” was more than likely going to be some kind of loser that no one would want to have around.
(more soul silence…)
(more soul silence, but with a little nudge and a wink of encouragement…)
(soundtrack snippet begins: click to play)
“Long we feared to face your love, lest our emptiness it prove.”
Oh. Some I’m not an axe murderer at heart? I’m a child of God, born of infinite bliss and eternal love? Whoa… Just what are the implications here?
I’m amazed at how this process continues throughout our lives, from the biggest moments, like those above, to the smallest. And sometimes it is the small moments that count the most.
As you may know, Swami Kriyananda arrived back at the Village this afternoon. The final few days of preparation are always thrilling but challenging, not only in preparing his residence, but also in anticipation of living life at a higher level of consciousness and energy, which is always the case in his presence. Swami Kriyananda’s arrival is always one of “stirring the soup”, lest any of us rest too complacently in our comfortable little corners. Who knows what projects may land in our laps, or what inner closet doors may be opened, to face those issues that have been stowed ever so conveniently away, hoping never to be aired again in the light of day.
It is always easy to slip into flows of lower energy, following the temptation to just take things easy and to live life a little more subconsciously than superconsciously. Can’t we at least have a few more moments of sleep? Can’t I keep a few of my bad habits for a little while longer?
I personally spent the past few days cleaning out the recording studio in anticipation of some upcoming projects with Swami Kriyananda. Now when you know that someone whom you hold in high esteem is coming over to your space, there is likely to be a little more energy than the usual Saturday chores. I vacuumed, swept, got things organized, feeling quite happy and zippy.
Not the inner one, this time, but one badly needed for another purpose than the disorganized storage of cables, old equipment, and odds and ends that has accumulated over the past 20 years. You know, the place where you put stuff when YOU JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH IT. EVER! I knew that I couldn’t just throw it all out without sorting through for the really important things that are buried within, and so everything came out, dust, cobwebs and all, and I was waist deep in stuff to go through.
In the physical process came the mental as well:
“Do I really have to do all this?”
Yes, you’re a big boy. Deal with it.
“Why does this have to happen at the worst time!”
doesn’t it always?
And the real kicker: “If I don’t really clean everything up, no one will really notice, will they?”
Ah, but you will!
Sigh…. I got the vacuum out, yet again. And as I cleaned even further into the cracks and crevices in the studio, I reflected on the whole process of transformation that is possible when we truly let go of all those little subconscious desires and attachments, and offer even those most carefully guarded strings which keep us tied to delusion. As my reluctance turned to enthusiasm, my contractive consciousness blossomed into inner freedom. I could feel the joy entering my heart, as fresh as it did on that day in the conservatory many years ago.
“Now at last our hearts we give you, Who remain our Friend”
So it isn’t just the big moments that matter – it’s all those little ones, the ones that people never see, that really can make the difference.