Over the last 9-10 yrs, I have felt my awareness increasing day by day. Subtle feelings of others and their true nature is magnified and presented to me in daily interactions. I am unable to handle them and usually keep quiet. Over time those negative emotions get expressed in a not so healthy manner i.e. anger, irritations etc. and I sincerely do not want this to happen. All I want is to be aware of everything but at the same time maintain my tranquility. Talking to them politely is useless.
We experience divine qualities such as joy, peace and tranquility by going within and making connection with God. The stronger our connection the more we can be a beacon of joy and peace out into the world. If we look at our day-to-day experiences with the thought that this person or this activity ‘should’ be a particular way, we will be forever disappointed, irritated, angry etc. For the devotee it is actually a great blessing to realize that we simply will never find what we are looking for ‘out there’ and must look inward. Once we experience this Divine Presence within us, we start seeing Him hidden in plain sight everywhere. Swami Kriyananda wrote a song called Well Done, Lord and it has a line ‘The world’s joy, O Secretive One, replies to Your sweetness in me.’
Increase your awareness of this Divine Presence within you and all around you with regular meditation practice. If you would like to learn more about meditation I encourage to look at our offerings on anandaindia.org You will see a wealth of online offerings as well as in-person classes at a number of centers in India.
Many years ago, Swami Kriyananda wrote a little book called Secrets of Emotional Healing, which has an inspirational saying for each day of the month. You might find this one helpful:
‘The secret of overcoming discontentment is to realize that conditions are always essentially neutral: Whether they please or displease depends on the attitudes we hold in our hearts. Practice, therefore, being ever happy in yourself.’
Your sincerity in wanting to change is an indication that you are ready for this next step, which will be a great blessing for the rest of your life.