I have “aspergers.” I acted normal since the first grade I new I was different—pretending to be happy and remembering to smile every birthday alone with my “thoughts and internalizing self” the only thing I could think for a wish as far as what I wanted “I wish to be one with God”—same wish every year. I’m 33 now, always known my purpose was to heal others. Been meditating at least twice daily for over 11 years. Been actively persisting kundalini but my “inner world” holds my meditating back
—Sean Hawks, United States
While you never actually stated a question, let me address the issue of how you are feeling “limited” by your inner world.
How beautiful that you have known from such an early age that being one with God was your goal. So few of us ‘remember’ at that time. One wouldn’t think to say this to someone who has carried the burden of Asperger’s Syndrome, but in that way you are blessed. You remember. The very fact that you know about God, that your sole reality is wanting to be closer/one with Him is way more than half the battle on any spiritual path. As Paramhansa Yogananda said over and over, “God watches the heart”. Our intention means a great deal when we are thinking of spiritual realities.
The whole truth of our spiritual lives, the soul’s journey, is that it transcends body and mind. That you may feel ‘different’ from others in a social sense, or psychologically, or even emotionally, has little or nothing to do with how God ‘sees’ you. You are no more or less a pure manifestation of that divine energy than any other soul on this earth. Perhaps you forget that, perhaps others aren’t thinking that, but it makes it no less the truth.
My first thought is to tell you to relax a bit with your meditation. I am not sure what technique you are using, but relaxing into your heart, where you know you love God, will help focus you in your astral/energetic/spiritual spine, and allow the Kundalini to rise. We don’t have to, and in fact cannot, make it rise. Our job is to be continuously drawing our energy up to the point between the eyebrows. That energy is in fact the Kundalini energy. If we keep our eyes raised and our hearts open it rises automatically. It is its nature … that is where it ‘wants’ to go. We cannot force it. If we try too hard it often means we are in our heads, not in our spine, and we are fighting against ourselves … the mind trying to tell that very subtle energy where to go. That energy will respond much more to other subtle energies … prayer, keeping our gaze up toward the spiritual eye, focusing on opening our heart center. This is where the magnetism is in meditation.
Understanding what are called disabilities in this world is tricky. One can be disabled in one way, or even in many ways, but that very disability may well give them advantages elsewhere. Swami Kriyananda often said, “don’t identify with your limitations’. It is a big mistake in this life because we are so much more than what is obvious to the senses. There are so many well known examples of this; Helen Keller who was deaf, blind, and mute; Thomas Edison who was said to have a learning disability and never read until he was 12 years old, Stephen Hawkings, the great physicist and mathematician, and on and on. The very things we think of as obstacles can become incredible opportunities if we can see them as such.
Calm yourself as much as you can. Instead of trying to only still and quiet the mind, give it something to do, like writing affirmations. Buy a copy of Swami Kriyananda’s book, “Affirmations for Self Healing” and choose one affirmation a week to work with. Just start by writing it several times/day … maybe five times. Do this particularly when your mind doesn’t want to focus or be quiet.
You sound like a beautiful soul. Work with what God has given you, not against it. Your love of God and your commitment to finding that divine presence within will draw Him to you. This is His law … “Seek and ye shall find …” and He cannot break it.
May you find and know much peace in your journey.