I feel alone in a crowd.I start hating my job which I loved so much and where I was working for last eighteen years.I feel like leaving the job but fear of earning daily bread is pulling me back.I feel as if i am in a battlefield fighting a fierce battle with me.
Please help me out.
—Mahesh s, India
You have had an awakening. Perhaps your affirmation for 18 years of “loving my job” found its natural nemesis and polar opposite by an awakening to the opposite point of view. Be patient. Do you meditate and pray daily?
Of course the fear of losing income is natural but more important is the direction towards which you feel drawn. It is not enough to wake up and decide you no longer “love” your job. There has also to be an inspiration, inner guidance to move in a new and positive direction.
Therefore, without a new direction, I suggest that you pray and meditate each day for guidance. Never mind how long this might take. Guidance will come when you have learned the lesson that this test is offering you. Perhaps the lesson is to be non-attached to whether what you do is pleasing or unpleasing. If it is right for you to do your present job (for the time being), then simply embrace that dharma calmly, with acceptance and joy born of inner freedom in your heart.
No job is more important than another. It is only a question of whether it’s OUR dharma, our duty, our job to do.
You also comment upon feeling “lonely in a crowd.” This too is a sign of your awakening to your Self. Befriend God (and guru?); have quiet, silent conversation with He (or She) who is truly your best friend; your greatest well-wisher; your nearest and dearest. In silent inner communion with God or guru you will never be alone. All devotees feel separate from the desires and worries of common but unawakened people who busy themselves running after or away from all manner of material things and experiences. Have you ever practiced “japa?” Mantra? Simply having “conversation” with God in your heart? Your soul is calling to you, “Come home! Go within where you will find Me!”
Rejoice: for a new meaning and purpose in life has awakened within you. Pray, meditate, perform your job as an act of devotion, of service; seek out others of like mind with whom to meditate and serve. God is calling. Will you respond?
Blessings flowing like rain from above,