I have been meditating for a year now. To be extremely honest i still smoke and drink occasionally. however, Past few months i have been mediating regularly. i Do Japa and Soham . I went through this extreme upheaval of negative emotion. Where i became insecure. Where i started doubting my Partner for no reason at all. I still go through those emotion during morning and evening hours. kindly suggest. Whenever i face it i play a shivji song and imagine holding his hands tightly.
—Apoorv Singh karki, India
Thank you for your question. Try not to be discouraged when delusions set back into your consciousness. Continue to hold tight to the hands of the Infinite, what a beautiful image that is and will help develop your love and devotion. Love and devotion will overcome all.
As you begin to move forward on your spiritual path, tests and trials in the form of doubt and insecurity will attempt to take away your resolve of what you know is the right direction. Reaffirm your commitment and hold fast. The things you are doing with chanting and japa will help to realign your efforts. It is very important to continue. To quit now in the battle will reinforce the negative habits and emotions and will have to be faced and conquered later. And it will be harder to win the battle. It does seem that you are holding fast to your practices.
Paramhansa Yogananda told the story of an alcoholic who could not stop drinking but began to practice Kriya meditation and held fast. This devotee would meditate with the ‘bottle’ next to him. He would never miss his meditations. Eventually the attraction to the ‘bottle’ diminished and the desire for connection with the Infinite in meditation became stronger than the worldly attraction. This is not to say that this devotee did not have a hard and long fight to overcome harmful tendencies.
Also, in every meditation invite God into your heart. Ask for His help and guidance. In the language of your heart tell Him what you are facing (He already knows). You will hear whispers of encouragement and you will be protected. The book Whispers from Eternity is a beautiful resource, that may be of interest to you too.
Many Blessing on your efforts.