I have tried to keep a meditation practice many times (mantras and hong sau techniques). During meditation, I feel deep peace, joy, and love.
Then every time, after about a week, I become extremely vulnerable and depressed. I feel that my attachments are getting stronger and thoughts of death and loss settle in me and I become very sad and tearful.
After a few days without meditation, I am fine again. Why do you think this happens, and can I be Master’s disciple only through prayers?
Thank you for your question. Experiences such as you are having happen to many devotees as they move along the spiritual path. In a few words — don’t give up! Keep up the steady regular meditations the best you can. Don’t give in to discouragement!
Some thoughts that may help you as you progress.
When you have finished your meditation practice, sit for a while longer and just ‘be’ with the feelings of peace, joy, and love. Then when you get up from your meditation be very conscious of staying in that peace, joy, and love. As you go through your day refer back to that connection. Remember that was God that came to you through that beautiful experience and hold on to that. When the activities of the day pull you away from that bliss then do what you can to reconnect. Maybe practice a little Hong Sau breathing, or if that is not possible then just talk to God in the language of your heart. For instance, “Dear God, I feel like I just lost you please be with me now.” God will hear such sincere prayer and will answer. Be watchful for the little ways He will come to you.
Tap into your inner guidance and willpower to work with the sadness that arises between meditations. The sadness and depression are from our inward focus that, also, is awaking our memories of our inner personality challenges. That we need to let go of or work with to change. Consider doing the energization exercises with more attention or listen to talks or chanting or read spiritual books and articles that you can find on ananda.org. Be sure to balance efforts of your sadhana with service, relaxation, recreation, and spiritual company. Staying healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. Those things will help you stay in the superconscious as you develop new habits and let go of the old tendencies.
When we meditate we are working with ourselves as a ‘whole’. All of our Divine qualities and not so Divine — but it is all from God. He wants to help us get past the not-so-pleasing parts, and then become purified of those ‘heavy’ qualities, that will lead us back to Him. Trust that you are part of God and with God every moment. He is refining you and your efforts to reach him. He is already with you, you just need to improve your knowing. Have no expectation and what comes of it own, let it come and accept it as neutral. Offer it back to God and know He is there for you even during the dark times. Have patience with your process; that will be the fastest route to God.
Of course, pray always to God and Guru for their blessing and grace. It is said that the devotees’ 25% effort is met with 75% of blessing and grace from God and the Master but our 25% has to be our complete 100% effort. All of our deficiencies will then be made whole!