I have developed strong feelings for someone of the same gender, much older, & in a position of authority at my job. I know it’s completely inappropriate. I have tried to observe the feelings/thoughts without identifying with them. This does not help. I think of her all the time & I get incredibly nervous/flustered around her. I have to see her everyday — I want these feelings to stop. What does Yogananda suggest the point/spiritual purpose of a test like this is? How can I overcome this?
—Anonymous, UK
Dear Friend,
The law of magnetism governs this world, both our inner world of feelings and the outer world of matter! Be not surprised, therefore, that you encounter, indeed, are drawn to encounter, someone to whom you feel attracted. Is the reason you say this attraction is inappropriate because of job etiquette or something deeper, for example, that you are already in a committed love relationship?
It is not unusual that between two people who have a certain compatibility and feeling, that their common service (work) benefits from their combined energy and creativity. It need not take on or evolve into a romantic relationship. In general, for example, and in the right environment, men and women serving together can find both great personal satisfaction and camaraderie and do so with very successful results in their achievements without the need for romantic involvement.
I say this because it might also be the case that your attraction can be re-directed into harmonious and creative expressions in achieving your common goals (at work).
In any case, for know I understand that you are feeling a strong compulsion and the need to bring your impulses under control. I don’t have the benefit of a clear picture of the nature of your feelings but I assume that in someway they are romantic, despite the age difference and difference in status and position. But because of same gender and the age difference, I cannot help but wonder if there’s some parental or mentor element, or a need within you for approval and guidance (in a positive way).
What I am trying to say is to suggest you find ways to relax around your feelings rather than fight them: resisting creates even more tension and nervousness. Ask yourself, instead, what attracts me to her? Is it merely her appearance (not likely)? Is it her self-confidence, skills, and calm authority? Kindness? Look, therefore, at your own feelings: calmly, of course!! Examine these feelings and they can’t all be “bad!” Ask yourself “How can I develop these qualities in myself?”
If, however, your attraction is single-mindedly sexual or romantic, then the question becomes whether you have already made such a commitment to another (or whether this woman has already done so). If, in addition, you have a concern about workplace ethics, then you may have to consider leaving your job. This avenue is more difficult for me to pursue as the nature of your feelings is not clear to me.
But, returning more directly to your question, then I offer these suggestions: begin the habit of re-directing your thoughts away from this person by inward chanting or praying to Yogananda. When on the job, busy yourself with your own duties and include inward chanting where your activities permit you the mental space to do so. In the presence of your “boss,” do not gaze longingly or long into her eyes and avoid prolonged eye contact; keep your voice and expressions business-like; perform your duties in a similar fashion. Do not engage in small talk or talk of personal matters, commenting on her clothes, appearance, home life and so on or your own. Adopt the posture as if you were in a military environment. Avoid being alone with her when at all possible. Keep to yourself, in other words, when at work and when in her presence.
When the feeling of attraction is not “fed” by thoughts and dwelling upon it, it will gradually fade. Or, as I said earlier, if the stakes in your life (or hers) are too great, you may simply need to find another job. Affirm “I am strong in my Self; I am complete in my Self. All that I seek can be found within me.”
Blessings upon you,
Nayaswami Hriman
