I Am Married with Troubles. Should I Divorce?


Om Shanti. I have a deep question and I apologize for bothering you with it. I understand the Ribhu Gita... there is only Oneself. I came to realize this myself through meditation (I am a member of the Brahma Kumaris) after which I discovered the Ribhu Gita. Anyway, to make a long story short, I am married with two children. I have missed affection for many years. Perhaps most of my marriage. No kind words, no smiles, no physical contact. Wife does silent treatment with me. Divorce or not?

—Sven, USA


Dear Sven,

Yes, there is only one Self, which is your true You, and which is, in the highest realization Brahman (God) itself. But down here, when you are still in the little self, a husband and a father, the question is this: what does this eternal Self (Brahman) want you to do?

This Brahman is full of love, and so are you, when you express Him (your true Self) correctly. Brahman is free, and so are you, whether married or divorced. It is full of joy, and so are you if you are in true Oneness. So this could be your direction: don’t change circumstances, but change yourself, your little self living here on earth. Try increasingly to express, love, freedom, joy, care, gentleness — right where you are, in your family.

It seems to me that Brahman – your true Self – is using this situation to teach your small self something important: why is your wife giving you the silent treatment? Does she feel neglected? Unloved? A too-distant husband? Why is there no affection? Is it only her fault, or do you have to change something? Why is there no kindness? Can you reverse this situation by learning to be sweetly kind, loving, and caring, yourself?

Often advaita vedanta makes devotees exit their hearts. It becomes philosophical, detached, cold, not relating anymore to the realities of others. That is, however, a kind of spiritual immaturity.

So my suggestion for you would be this: don’t look for divorce. Rather look for inner change. Be as loving a husband and father as you can be. Channel your eternal Self (Brahman) down here through your small self (personality) in the form of love, kindness, care, joy, freedom, and affection. You will see things change in your family. Your children need you, and need you present, and need your love, and your hug, and having fun together with you.

You will see that this approach will bring you closer to Brahman-consciousness. Let a part of you always know that this earth, and everything in it, is a dream. But you play your role in that dream well, as a loving channel for the eternal Self. In that way Brahman will be with you, your deathless Self will be with you, through you, in you. Your ego will diminish, and divine joy will be your lot.

In divine friendship,