My husband is a beautiful soul. He is sincere about everything except his health and physic. He is over weight (116 kgs) and although i have tried to convey to him to work out and exercise, he doesn’t care about that. As his wife, I dont want to strip him off his confidence but I do want him to be particular about his looks. On the grand scheme of things its a very trivial thing to look for especially when the person is beautiful from nature but it does matter to me. Any guidance still?
—Anonymous, India
Dear Friend,
Between friends, especially husband and wife, the boundaries for criticism are very narrow. Could it be, for example, that your husband’s resistance to losing weight and taking better care of himself is a reaction against your spoken or unspoken (but felt) critique and concern for his appearance?
Also, is it his looks that concern you or his health? You should want to be clear about that. A genuine and heartfelt concern for his health is a higher order of genuine concern than only his appearance.
It is a standard bit of humor in marriage counseling to remark that at the time of marriage the husband hopes the wife will never change (in her beauty and sweetness) while the wife hopes the husband will change under her wise counsel and authority. Of course, both hopes are unrealistic because beauty and sweetness fade with time and with troubles, while resistance to being criticized and manipulated is all but guaranteed!
It is common in wedding vows to commit to one another “in sickness and in health.” It might wise to ask yourself how you can calmly accept your husband’s apparent decision not to take of himself. The odd thing is this: it is quite possible that if you were to mentally and verbally drop the subject entirely — and just accept lovingly to appreciate your husband as he is — he might suddenly one day perk up and begin exercising. Why is this? Because in a “push-you-push-you-back” relationship, if the one person stops pushing the other person no longer gets to play the game and has to figure out on his own what to do next. If taking better care of himself is, by itself, the right thing then he can feel he’s making the decision himself and not because he’s being pressured to do so by his wife! (Odd, huh?)
Here’s an experiment: for three to six months put the whole subject out of your mind and out of your words. Let it go. Each day in your prayers silently bless your husband and thank Divine Mother for his noble and good qualities as you have written. Be ready to say positive things to him; to thank him for small favors; to praise him in front of others for genuine and true actions or attitudes. Focus, thus, on the positive exclusively. (Don’t pray that he start to exercise — let that go completely out of your thoughts!)
I can easily imagine that if you conduct this experiment you may have in a year a healthier, happier husband (and wife)! It’s worth a try, don’t you think?
Blessings to you both……..see in your husband Lord Rama and be of such virtue that he cannot help but see Sita in you!
Nayaswami Hriman
