How to Develop a Healthy Sexual Connection in a Relationship


I am in a relationship with this girl and we are get along very well. We give good company to each other but one major problem in our relationship is that I am not attracted to her. I do not find her attractive. Should I continue my relationship with her or look for someone else who I feel strongly attracted to?

—Arya, India


Dear Arya:

Presumably you are speaking of physical attraction, since you say you “get along very well” and are “good company,” Obviously, she has many qualities that are attractive to you.

These days, people treat sex as a thing unto itself, as if it could be separated from the overall character of the two people involved. This fundamental confusion leads to relationship chaos.

Too often, people choose partners primarily because of sex, and only later discover that they have nothing else in common. And sex alone isn’t enough to hold a relationship together.

In fact, the “spark” that people focus on so much is fleeting at best, and, at worst starts a conflagration that pulls the whole relationship down.

Intense sexual desire, by its very nature, is selfish. “I want this from you and you must give it to me.” In an excitement-oriented culture like ours, this is considered a natural way to be. Unfortunately, it is not natural and does not bring lasting happiness.

The foundation of a meaningful life together is not self-interest but selfless giving.

Popular media would make you think sex is everything. But, in real life, the importance of sex to individual couples varies enormously. Yes, a sexual connection is nice. It is a part of life and can’t be ignored. Your sexual magnetism does need to be focused exclusively on your life partner. But sex is only one of many things that hold a relationship together.

As the years go by, you’ll see that getting along well and being good company are more enduring values than sexual excitement.

Still, to be very practical about it, if the sexual connection is not automatic, it can be developed, and is worth working on. A lasting sexual relationship is not built on fireworks, but on mutual respect, shared life experience, and selfless giving.

If you get along well together and can communicate about this area of your life as well as others, you can learn how to be attractive and satisfying to one another. Even now, you could start a conversation and what you learn about your partner could help you decide whether you have a future together.

Nayaswami Asha