I suffered from mental disorders for last 3yrs. The experience was very terrifying.Now I am free of it but am not able to accept whatever has happened.Innerly I feel god is the cause(indictd in scriptures).I am much isolated now since I dont want to be called depressed.I practiced meditation,due to restlessness,couldn’t get any answer.When practicing bhakti,i feel severe pain because cant accept loving god.I dont know how to hear god’s voice.
—Pavan Kumar, India
I am sorry to hear about your experience of the past three years, and am glad to hear that you are recovered. It can take some time to shake off the effect of the strong experiences you have had and to completely understand why this would happen to you. When you once again are able to be with other people, then I would suggest that you choose your company wisely. Seek out those people who will not judge you in any way, and who are generally happy and supportive individuals. Do not associate with those who have a negative vibration, or who you feel will judge you or affect you negatively.
Perhaps this experience happened to you so you can understand others who suffer in this way. You will understand their suffering from your own experience, and be able to help them more than others can. Perhaps this will only be through praying for them, rather than more directly. But the kind of experience you have been through can help develop compassion for others, if you choose to use it in this way.
Simply stated, God does not cause anything to happen to us. It is we ourselves who draw our experiences to us, both good and bad. This is the law of karma. I know this can be difficult to accept, but it is the truth. I also think you know this, otherwise you wouldn’t be concerned that you that you don’t know how to hear God’s voice.
For now, try to feel God’s presence in a natural way, without the confines of a more formal bhakti practice. God is in everything, and is everything, so just enjoy His presence in the simple things you already enjoy, knowing He is there in that feeling of enjoyment. Perhaps going for a walk that you already enjoy, having a simple meal with God, or other things like this. Include God in your daily activities, and talk with Him as a friend about your present struggles, fears, and concerns.
See if this can help you once again to open the door to this Friend of all friends. I would suggest that you wait to take up a meditation practice again until you feel that it will be helpful for you.
I hope these thoughts and suggestions will be helpful.
In divine friendship,