I have a question related to suicide. Last year I lost my only son, 24 (and family) to suicide. He was very spiritual, struggling with intense existential turmoil. We had an extremely strong bond, as if we have been in another close relationship in a previous life. Could his death by suicide have been a high probability in a pre-birth plan? (e.g. to make me experience a tragic loss). Thank you, Gala
First, please receive my deepest condolences on the tragic loss of your son. I know you must miss him dearly. Please know that no love is ever lost, and your souls will meet again. That close bond you felt with him was real, and will draw you together again, perhaps in another form of close family connection.
You ask if this might have been part of some pre-birth soul plan. I think the healthier, and probably more accurate way of looking at it would be that both of your souls would have been warned of the high probability that he would go through that phase of “intense existential turmoil.” Both of your souls most likely knew, in the pre-birth plan, that your son-to-be had this weakness to consider suicide as a solution to his inner turmoil.
This challenge for his soul would have been carried over from a past life in which he had also committed suicide. So, you both knew this potential existed, as did, of course, your spiritual guides. It speaks to your deep love for his soul that you agreed to take on the incarnation of being his mother, and he being your only child, knowing that he had this potential for suicide. And, given that he also had a deep love for you, I believe that he had every intention of overcoming that tendency to commit suicide.
When we are in the astral world, everything looks clearer to us. We are aware of our inner strength and our challenges and we realize there is a spiritual purpose to the life we are about to embark on. I think we don’t fully recall just how hard the tests on the physical plane can be. Once we’re here on this earth, we set about living our lives. When our struggles come, we may forget our soul’s intention to use stronger inner tools this time around. Instead, we may feel like the little boat of our personal incarnation is swamped by the tumultuous waters of life.
Some wise Vedic astrologers can see in the natal chart that a soul has committed suicide in the recent past, and will face that inner challenge again. When a soul commits suicide, it creates a pathway, or tendency, which makes it that much easier in a future life to do it again, when things get tough. Such a soul may often feel the inner temptation to commit suicide, but they are able to override that feeling most of the time. But sometimes the inner pressure builds, and they succumb to the feeling that suicide is the only appropriate answer. Again, the wise astrologer may see in the chart those times when the temptation to commit suicide will be the strongest for such a soul. For some people, it may come after a big financial or personal loss, but for other people it will be primarily an interior struggle that leads to suicide. So, I believe your soul knew your son would have this struggle. And of course your souls would have hoped he could overcome it this time around.
But your own soul must have also known the risk that if he did commit suicide, then you would have to find a way to overcome such a tragic loss. It is not easy. By your strength of soul, and your power of love for him, you accepted that part of the risk. So, no, I do not think you agreed to this potential of losing your son to suicide as a tool for your spiritual growth. Instead, I believe that you willingly and lovingly took on the karma and dharma of being his mother, knowing full well the risk at hand. And, again, I believe that he, out of soul love for you, hope that he would overcome that inner weakness for suicide in this life. But I believe that your soul knew that even if it did come to that, your soul would come out stronger in the end. I believe you knew that you had the inner strength to handle it. And from that bedrock of strength, you would even have to become stronger to meet such a tragic loss. And by having no other children,nor close family. you would have to turn within, because there was nowhere left to turn.
What can you do now? You are still his mother. Pray for his soul. Ask him to look up to the Light, to receive the help of the saints and the angels that are floating right there above him, waiting for his call for help. They will not impose their help, but they will respond instantly to his inner call. Because of your strong connection, I am sure he can feel your love. He can also feel your pain. That is okay, however, because sometimes a suicidal soul is convinced that people will be better off without him. But he feels your love and your pain, so he knows that is not the case.
We are all on a soul journey of learning that the Source of Infinite Love is ever with us. We can commune with that love. This physical plane places veils over our understanding. Pray for the soul of your son. He will greatly benefit from your love and prayers. Perhaps it will create the turning point of understanding in his soul.
I was also moved by the fact that your son was not only your only child but also your only family. Take this as an opportunity to go deeper into your own connection with God. Do you have a place of spiritual connection? You might greatly benefit from embarking on a spiritual quest of sorts. Sometimes people come to Ananda’s Expanding Light after a time for a deep change in their lives. We have many programs, including a residential Karma Yoga program. We also have a similar program at our more quiet and remote Ananda Meditation Retreat. Both programs would offer you a healing atmosphere to dive deep into your spiritual nature. If you do come to either program, please feel free to look me up. I would love to meet you.
No matter what you decide to do right now please know that a life of service to others, combined with inner communion with the Divine, will be a powerful pathway to peace and healing in your own life.
Please also feel free to ask for healing prayers for yourself, for continued inner healing after your tragic loss.
PS — I wrote this article,”The Saddest Prayers,” many years ago. In it, I offer some ways to pray for the souls of suicide victims.