I tend to draw friends whom I don't feel comfortable developing a close relationship with. I'm deeply into a spiritual path, and it seems that I do not have much to share with them nor do I enjoy the same activities. I also need a lot of space, as I'm constantly searching inward.
However, I believe these friends are in my life for a reason and they are indeed good-hearted people. Should I just be honest with them, by telling them about my spiritual path and why I need some space?
—Jaclyn, USA
Dear Jaclyn,
The dilemma you pose is one many spiritual seekers have to face. In some ways it is a temptation: “Oh they are good people why should I turn my back on them.” No doubt they are good people. But be careful here.
Your dilemma is very much like the famous opening question in India’s Bhagavad Gita. The great warrior, Arjuna, surveys his cousins on the battlefield at the outset of a great war. His cousins are arrayed against him and his army and they refuse to give to Arjuna and his brothers and clan their share of the kingdom.
Arjuna laments the situation in which he must fight his own kith and kin. In your case, you are not needing to fight anyone but the fact that they do not know of your inner search and the fact that you have not told them suggests that to date you sense they would not be thrilled, or understanding or sympathetic to your spiritual searching.
This is one of the all-too-common tests for spiritual seekers: confronting the reality that their journey will set them apart from friends (and family).
Generally, sharing one’s spiritual goals with others who have no interest in them does not end up well. Most others would rather you admit an addiction for which they could feel pity rather than an aspiration that would make them look something less than you.
Better yet, generally speaking, to accept your distance and make less frequent your association. Even better yet again is to find others of like mind with whom you can establish new friendships such that the old friendships will, in time, lessen in their influence and attraction.
The danger with wanting to have your “cake and eat it too” is the subconscious attraction potential to their more material or worldly attitudes, habits and opinions. It is typical and traditional that someone new to a spiritual path needs to separate from old patterns and influences until their feet are firmly on the path.
We have many, many friends from the past. Not all are helpful to us now on the spiritual path. Be always a friend such that in times of need you will be there. Loyalty and friendship can still exist even if it isn’t in an active form. Prayers for others on a regular basis, too, is a form of spiritualizing your friendship even in the absence of ongoing interactions.
Each situation is unique and you will need to decide what you feel is right. These comments are offered only on the broader perspective of what is commonly encountered in situations like this. Okay?
Blessings and light to you on your path,
Nayaswami Hriman
